Meet the Distract
by MentlegenKrits
Summary: A young lad gets hired as a test-mercenary, to see if a tenth class would work or not. Apparently, it does. What will happen now? Read to find out. May contain some weird pairings at some point, but nothing too weird. Also it's TF2, there's gonna be some violence and swearing. Nothing too bad, though.
1. Chapter 1

[[Aye there, my Dearest Fellow Procrastinators. This is Krits of da Mentle (or SeeKrits, if you will) and THIS is my first published non–poem work. And it's for TF2, too.]]

I stared at the letter I was holding, reading it again and again, over and over. I couldn't believe it. After twenty three years of being a total outcast, ignored and despised by the society and all that jazz kids angst about, I have finally found an actual steady job.

It was pretty surprising to me, to find such thing on my doorstep (who the hell leaves letters on doorsteps?), considering I lived in the middle of friggin' nowhere... Also because no one wanted to hire me, seeing as I was just plain crazy. At least that's what the society calls me, I think I'm pretty normal myself.

Just because a man hears voices and sees things doesn't mean he's insane. Just because I might have mortally injured a man or five doesn't mean I'm crazy either...

But it seems I wasn't the only one who didn't think that. The lady I talked with after I called this Mann CO. place said I was actually quite normal. How nice of her.

She told me they would contact me later, which I thought was just a way of saying I'm not getting that job, but this little piece of paper proved me wrong.

In the letter it said I would have to move to some base, but I would get a free place to live in, food and ammunition for the time I'd be working there, and it was damn fine by me.

All I needed to do was to get there. That wouldn't be a problem, though, because I had Pissparty – my camper van – kept in a fairly good shape around, in case of emergency or something.

I was moving tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the start of my new life.

It took me eight hours to pack up and get to the point where They told me someone was supposed to pick me up to the actual base. It would take longer, but I didn't pack much. Only some clothes, my weapons, and a few books. Also everything I already had in the van. And there was absolutely zero traffic.

I got to the wait–base at about two PM. Now I simply had to wait. It was boring.

I looked around the base. There was a middle sized box laying under the window hole, a letter laying on top of it.

It explained my job in better details than the last one, and it mentioned something about my new uniform being in the box.

I opened it, and guess what, my uniform was in there.

It was pretty nice I guess. There was a red shirt, a bandana, a pair of dark red trousers, a pair of... metal padded? War boots, a backpack and a few other things. I put them on, and let's be honest here, I looked good.

"I see you have found the Distract uniform," said someone from behind me, scaring me shitless.

When I looked around I saw a man, around my height and body type, in a red pin striped suit and a... uhmm, a mask, staring at me all poker faced. I guessed he was the guy from the RED team they told me about.

"I am supposed to get you to the team's base," he said, his voice monotone. I realized he had a french accent. "I am the RED Spy."

"I believe you already know who I am," I answered him.

We got out of the wait–base and headed straight to what appeared to be a truck. Then I noticed something.

"Now, where the hell is Pissparty?" I more exclaimed than asked. My precious camper van was very obviously not where I left it.

"Pardon me, what?" the Spy looked at me, his expression a mix of confusion and disgust.

"My van," I explained. "Pissparty is the name of my van."

He snorted. Seriously.

"...We were told you'd be similiar to the Bushman, but I would have never guessed they meant it with such details..."

"Yeh, okey, but where is my van?" I was almost panicking now.

Pissparty was very important to me. It was almost like a family member. Sure, on one hand it was just a camper van, but on the other it was basically my best mate.

Gee, that sounded really gay, even for me. And I use glitter rockets as my weapon, for heck's sake.

"It was taken to the base literally five minutes ago. Didn't you hear the truck engine?" Spy asked.

Well, duhh, I didn't hear you walk by on a creaking wooden floor, how do you expect me to hear something happening outside?

"Prompted by my silence he spoke again.

"I take it as a no, then. And, pardon my curiosity but as a Spy I need to know, could you tell me all of your secrets?" he smiled at me, all innocent an' sweet and I just couldn't refuse that charming basically–stranger. I'm way too easy to get into that kind of thing for my own safety, dammit.

"Sure," I said as casually as only I could be in this kinda situation.

"What, really?" he asked, clearly not expecting that answer from me. Not that I was surprised, I mean seriously, what kind of man agrees on telling someone they just met their every secret? Especially to someone called "the Spy"? Well, I never really was the sharpest tool in the shed, to be honest. Beside I used to be much worse than this back in the day. Not that it really mattered.

"Yeh, 's not like I have much to hide from people. Living the way I did leaves a man without too many secrets."

He got into the truck's driver seat and motioned for me to get in the passenger's one. So I did just that.

"It's going to take a while, to get to the base," he said while turning on the engine.

"'S okay," I chuckled quietly. "Nothing can beat the hundret hours I spent on the road on my way to my last place."

He looked at me and smiled.

It felt nice, to talk to another human being personally. For the last five years my only way of interaction with the outside world was through the phone. It did get quite lonely at times.

"Mhhmm... So. What are the goggles for?" he asked suddenly, leaving me confused by the question.

Then I remembered that I still had the GentleGoggles on my head. A lovely piece of technology that could replace what the wearer saw with what they wanted to see.

"Oh, they are for fun," I started explaining. "Ye' see, my cousin built them for people who wanted a wee bit of adventure in their lives. He gave me the only pair there was, to test how it works an' stuff. I was supposed to give them back after a month. Too bad he blew _himself_ up after only two weeks. Look at the road."

He rolled his eyes at that last thing, but common, I didn't want to die in a car crash.

I don't think anyone would want to die in a car crash.

"Is the enemy Spy as attractive as you?" I asked, not able to control it. Gdangit.

"...Oui..." he muttered. "Don't think about getting it on with him, though. He's the enemy Spy for a reason.

"Nahh, I just like messing with people," I grinned, trying to calm him. I may not be into ladies, but I am not a poof either. I hope.

After a moment of silence he started again.

"And... Have you ever killed a man?"

He didn't look at me, but I could see his expression change to a daring one. That guy was actually testing me, what the hell.

"One or five... Eight if you count the ones who killed themselves because of water trauma," I said quietly. It's not everyday you tell someone about something like this.

"Water trauma?" he questioned.

"Piss. The trauma of being soaked in piss," I answered shamelessly. Using water guns filled with urine is an acceptable battle tactic, whether the enemy likes it or not.

He shuddered a little, for some reason unknown to me and continued.

"Ohh, I know that feeling. Anyway, we're going to be in the base in about half an hour.

Do you know what you, as the Distract, will do?"

"Distract? From what I was told and what I have read in the letters, my job is to get the enemy's attention away from others from my team to save them some time, find out where "Sentry guns" are placed – by running into the enemy's place and see if I don't get shot, mind you – and to basically annoy the hell outta them. And kill from time to time," I reckoned.

We talked like that for a few more minutes when I saw some kind of town show up.

"Well, we are here," he said.

We got out of the truck and walked towards the gate and then to some building – the base, apparently.

He got in first and called out to whoever was in there.

"Everyone! The new recruit is here!" he said and signaled for me to enter the room.

When I did so, I saw everyone, and everyone's eyes landed on me.

[[And this was the first chapter. What do you guys think? Is it any good? I hope so, because I'm planning on writing more. Please, be honest. I need it. Oh, and have a good day! ~~Krits of da Mentle]]


	2. Chapter 2

[[Aye there. It's been a while, I know, but that's only because I've been busy. School has been quite a problem, I've got a ton of requests and projects to draw and I started working as this one guy's editor and he sends me four chapters of his story weekly. Also I caught a terrible case of writer's block in the middle of writing this chapter, so it's a little worse than the first one. Sorry.]]

So that was them? My team? A cutie with an eyepatch, two guys in helmets... a creepy looking doctor, who just had to be the Medic, sitting next to a pretty big bald guy, who I guessed was the Heavy.

On the floor near the window sat a person wearing a gas mask, the Pyro, most likely.

And then there was the really tall (and quite handsome, damn) man sitting on a chair next to Pyro. He had pretty brown hair and sideburns (and God only knows I am a sucker for those), kinda like me, and if I wasn't the straight man I obviously am I would fall in love with him.

"Well… Meet the rest of the team," Spy told me.

The cutie (whom I need to stop calling that) introduced himself as the Demoman. The helmet party called themselves Soldier and Engineer, and I was right about Medic and Heavy. The Pyro said something but I honestly don't know what and the handsome dude said he is the Sniper. A fitting name, I guess.

"Hello, then," I said. "I am the Distract."

Sniper looked like he was about to speak, but before he could say anything, something hit him in the head. A baseball.

"Everyone alright?" yelled someone outside.

A moment later a boy around my age came into the room.

"Ya' okey, Snipes?" he asked, slightly embarassed.

"No, ye' bloody hooligan," Sniper glared at the boy.

Does this happen on a regular basis or what?

The boy turned to me, confused and whatnot, then back to the team.

"Yo, who's this guy?" he asked.

The Medic sighted. "This is the new recruit, dear Scout, and you would know that if you listened to what anyone was saying for the past week."

"Huh, so he's gonna work with us?" the Scout asked, making at least four of the men groan in frustration.

"Yeh, that is exactly what I'm going to do. That is why I came here in the first place, ye see," I explained.

If I wasn't dumb myself, I would say he's a moron.

I couldn't help myself, but comment on the fact that it was getting really late. Everyone (except Pyro, who probably didn't care) agreed.

A few seconds later Medic, Heavy, Engineer and Soldier left, taking Scout with them.

After a moment of silence (the awkward kind, mind you), someone finally said something. It was Demoman, by the way.

"So, where are ye' from?" he asked. Was it just me, or did he have a Scottish accent?

"Technically I'm from Poland, but I spent half a' my life living with my family in Scotland. I wouldn't even move from there if not for my cousin's death."

He smiled at the mention of Scotland. We talked about it for a while, that is untill Spy decided to interrupt us.

"Would you like me to show you were your van is?" he asked.

"Yes. Yes, I would like that very much." I needed to check if my sparrows were fine. Hell, I needed to feed them. The little bastards were really annoying when hungry.

"After me, then," he said, and we walked away.

That was the most awkward day in my life since I was ten years old. Oh well…

I gave Lieb and Ling their food and decided to go to sleep.

The next day I felt slightly nervous, knowing that it will be my first real day at work.

I took my weapons and went to the base. Everyone was already there.

"Are you ready for this?" asked Medic.

"Hope so."

"Good luck."

Mission begins in 60 seconds...

[[Have you guessed who's gon end up as a couple now? Heh. Again, please, tell me what you think. Oh, and as you probably realized the next chapter is gon have some fighting in it. Just a heads up.]]


End file.
